Jessica's Journey

Little challenges, big changes…

DRAMA

I don’t need it. Which is why I try to stay away from people who generate it. I have discovered in my adult life that if you stay away from negative people, as a general rule, it makes your life much easier. And it enables you to be a far more positive person.

The drawback to this is, negative people don’t seem to want to admit that they are the way they are, and because of the way they are, they cannot possible understand a calm rational person’s desire to step back and remove themself from unresolvable situations. And let’s face it – despite all the “you can do it” bullshit they feed us as kids, there just are unresolvable situations in the real world. Sometimes you’re stuck between the proverbial rock and a hard place, and all you can do is go on. So these negative people, they expect you to “go on” dealing with all of their crap, but really the best thing you can do is distance yourself. The less time you spend dealing with passive-aggressive manipulation, the more time you get to spend enjoying honest and fulfilling life. You may not be able to change it, but that doesn’t mean that you have to be a part of it.
Does it make me a bad person if these passive-aggressive/passive types are family? Am I horrible for drawing a line and saying that I will not deal with the guilt and the sniping and the he-said, she-said? It’s not a matter of letting go of the past, as they constantly claim, because this behavior is not in the past. It is right now, every time I am with them, or around them, or hearing about them, or talking to them, or anything at all! Everything I do supposedly has a double meaning, everything is questioned, and examined, and bitched about, and talked about, and never addressed with me directly. I hear through the grapevine that so-and-so is upset about such-and-such, that they are convinced that my every little action was somehow planned with the sole intent of hurting them.
The sad thing is, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Not only do I have no intention of hurting them, I rarely consider them at all in any of my decisions. Not because I don’t care, or I hate them, or anything like that. Despite what they might think, the world does NOT revolve around their existence. No, the reason I don’t consider them in my decisions is because there are so many other people who are far more important to consider. There are people who actually care about me. People who support me, socially, emotionally, spiritually, financially; people that I know I can count on no matter what. People who are interested in me as a person, and not just me as a prop in some new-age Stepford wannabe pseudo-nuclear blended family. I refuse to short-change these people, who have done so much for me, by wasting quality time making chit-chat with shallow people just so that we look like a “family”. And I ESPECIALLY refuse to waste quality time having not-so-nice discussions about why I don’t bend over backwards to rearrange my life to fit into their world. Not for people who actually go out of their way to exclude me from their family, all the while complaining that I don’t make time for them. Duh.
There comes a point when you have to decide if a dysfunctional relationship is really worth all of the time and effort (and heart and soul) that you pour into it. Especially when it is extremely clear that the other party has absolutely no intentions of working on things at all. I don’t want to punish my oppressors, I don’t want revenge for my shattered childhood, and while I might still have some deep-seated psychological issue with wanting my daddy’s love, I’ve certainly come to grips with the fact that I’m never really going to get it. And that’s okay. But if I can’t get his love, I’m sure as hell not going to carry his baggage for him.
It is what it is. No more, no less. So deal. Quit your whining, quit making half-assed efforts to act like you can change the past. You can’t. And really, you’re not able to change the future. To be honest, that’s one of the few things that I respect about you – there are few enough men in the world, anymore, who are willing to put up with the loads of bullshit in order to keep their family together. And few of any kind of people who can learn from their mistakes and try to do right the second time around. But you made your bed – now lie in it. I cannot give absolution; I cannot tell you that it’s okay. I can just go on with my life, and as I am not the one who choose to put myself in the situation, I have the option of removing myself from it. So I have. Please respect my decision as I have respected yours.
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2 Comments»

  johnnypeepers wrote @

I prefer to use relationship/social jujitsu. Whenever I feel the slightest hint of negativity I avoid the discussion or redirect the drama. It is fun to see the reactions. Most people are programmed to respond in kind so as not to upset the one talking. As a result, they perpetuate the negativity and reinforce the speaker’s position.

  Darcy wrote @

You go girl amen Iam with you:)


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