Jessica's Journey

Little challenges, big changes…

Archive for January, 2012

How do you fix time?

The last four hours have been so surreal. I feel like the world is rotating without me. It’s like when the world rotates around you, only it’s on the other side of the coin.

There are days when time flies and there’s not nearly enough of it. Most of my days are like that. My list is always longer than the sunlight. I always run and run and run until I collapse and can’t go anymore. There’s always this sense of urgency, and the days of the last several months have all been leading up to this big question of how can you do everything faster? All these human processes…learning, feeling, growing…I can’t wait them out. I can’t make them move. What am I supposed to do with them? So frustrating when everyone tells me it just takes time, then asks me why things aren’t done yet. If I controlled time I would make it better, I know I could.

And all of the sudden I got a bunch of things done, and my world came to a halt. Cleared my desk and my e-mail at work. Came home and started working on things that I’ve been putting off for ages…craft projects…organizing…e-mails. I gave myself a pat on the back for it. I woke up this morning with the deepest sense of peace and purpose that I have felt for ages. I looked ahead of me, and all I had was time. Time to do the things I wanted to do. Time to get my thoughts in order. Time to work the things I needed to work and time for everything to be okay. Very unlike me. It was the rarest, most wondrous feeling, like a grown-up version of magic, and something I needed very much.

But it seems that nothing ever lasts. It took all of about three hours for the world to catch up to me with silly news I’ve been dreading for months now. I don’t want to alarm everyone; no one is terminally ill, no horrible awful anything to anyone other than me. I’m grieving something that I never even had; a dream, a wish, a hope; something other people just don’t understand and I can’t explain, but I know that now it is irrevocably gone. I know it’s not a big deal. But I also know that it is a big deal. And I know logically that it will take time to process it. But I also know that no one else will understand that. I want to get it out as quickly as possible, announce it, scream it, just throw it out there and get it over with like ripping off a band-aid, but I don’t want to talk about it or face it or share it with anyone else because it is just too much right now. I don’t want to hurt anyone else, but I DO, I want them to understand why this was so important and I want to know why they took it away, and I don’t know what to do except go away until I’ve somehow worked it all out.

So now again, I want to fast forward. I hate this quiet time. I hate the peace, and the calm, and the having stuff done and in order and ready to go. I don’t want to have all the time in the world ahead of me, because time HURTS and I just want that hurting to stop. I want to fly back at everything and hurry hurry hurry through the bad part and be too busy to feel like this anymore. I want to be frustrated and stressed out and angry and not crying and hiding and asking why. I want to go about my day without the fear of breaking down; without the looming ominous feeling that someone will expect me to act like things are okay even though to me they’re really not.

But then, I want someone to tell me that I can ask this for myself…just this once…to take the time to process something without being told to “suck it up” or “be happy for them” or “talk about it” or “give it to God” or whatever other things that people say when they don’t want to be burdened with the suffering of others. And logically, I know I’m allowed to take a little time…everybody says that, right, “it takes time?” But I forgot, I am back in my real world now, where it takes time that you’re not allowed to have, time that drags on forever and people still expect you to make it move so that they don’t have to wait. Time is a problem, all right, but it’s always someone else’s. How much time is enough when you’ve lost something? When I am supposed to be able to let go of this?

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